Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria: Defeating the Emotional Bully Within
By Mary D. Sanford, Ph.D.
“I just know they hate me”, Jess shouted to Alicia, her eyes filled with tears. “Just because I’m 20 minutes late to their stupid dinner and it wasn’t even my fault,” she sobbed.
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Tom had to give a talk to his newish boss. He had spent hours on it, tweaking it up to the last minute. The night before he was totally stressed, convinced he’d lose his job. His boss gave him little verbal feedback, furiously jotting down notes. Tom spent the evening ripping apart the presentation and berating himself for being such a loser.
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Jasmine and Boris had only started dating and had planned a big hike. Boris called it off two days before they were supposed to leave, telling her he was slammed with work. Jasmine knew he was busy with his new job, and she tried so hard to be the people-pleasing supportive partner. But inside she was devastated. “It’s because of my looks,” she wailed to her mom. “I just know he’s getting ready to dump me.”
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Do these situations sound familiar?
What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is defined as intense feelings of emotional pain and discomfort, centering on rejection For people with ADHD, the hurt runs deep and hard. Many will say it’s like an unbelievable pain, a sadness and hurt practically indescribable. RSD is not part of any medical definition connected to ADHD and yet it is a huge part of what neurodiverse people experience on a day-to-day basis. In fact, it’s astonishing that current diagnostic criteria for ADHD include no mention of problems with emotions. Yet RSD is often a difficult and debilitating part of the ADHD experience.
While few people embrace rejection with open arms, for neurodiverse people, this sense of rejection, real or misconstrued, is a hundred times worse. People with RSD might interpret vague interactions as total rejection, or an interpersonal slight as a flat-out validation of their inadequacy when it’s anything but this reality. People with RSD are frequently told they are too sensitive, overly sensitive, or can’t take teasing. Other symptoms include sudden intense bouts of extreme sadness when the person believes they’ve been rejected or criticized; anxiety in social situations because they are convinced no one likes them; becoming a people pleaser who’s devastated when their efforts go unappreciated by others, or becoming perfectionistic so there is no chance for criticism or rejection. Other typical characteristics include constant negative self-talk, low self-esteem, poor self-perception, and rumination and perseveration. It’s not that people with ADHD are emotionally fragile. It’s simply that disapproval and criticism hurt them far more drastically than what’s experienced by neurotypical people. For others, the pain of possible failure is so bad they simply give up and stop trying. The risk is too great.
Possible Solutions
Emotional regulation is essential when it comes to RSD. It begins with self-awareness. Coping strategies include understanding stressors and having a plan for dealing with them. Some steps include anticipatory coping which involves planning a different response, or going through with it, but practicing self-care and mindfulness afterwards. Another step is self-talking appraisals where you mentally reframe an event to diffuse its intensity and perceived negativity. In essence, you assume the best of the other person and yourself and give all the benefit of the doubt.
Physical activity is a great stress reliever, it’s restorative and super helpful in managing RSD. It doesn’t matter how you exercise if you do it regularly, five days a week. Even going for a 10-minute walk around the block can help put things in perspective.
Other useful RSD coping strategies to explore include:
Consider only the facts. Try to leave out the emotion.
Pretend you’re on a float and you see a wave of hurt and dismay coming at you. Be proactive. Position yourself and let the emotion pass on by.
Take a pause.
Write about it.
Reason it out with a friend.
Finally, to stop obsessing over rejection, consider doing the following:
Process your feelings.
Understand where the rejection came from
Avoid unproductive rumination.
Reject negative self-talk.
Figure out what really scares you about rejection.
Keep things in perspective.
RSD is a challenge not easily understood. It’s insidious. It’s devastating. But self-awareness and deliberate processing of situations, coupled with reframing based on reality are essential in defeating this emotional bully. It can be done. The choice and power are within you. Step by step.
About the Author
Mary Sanford is a progress-oriented ADHD Executive Function Coach. In her own words, Mary loves slaying the ADHD dragons of negativity and defeating behaviors that frequently torment her clients. She is knowledgeable about the challenges of ADHD and neuro-diversity and uses that knowledge to capitalize on each person’s unique gifts. Clients describe her as empathetic, compassionate, enthusiastic, flexible, and resourceful. Mary has a PhD in Adult Education from Syracuse University, an M.Ed. in Learning Disabilities with Reading Specialist certification, and a B.S. in Special Education both from Bloomsburg University. Before going into higher education, she taught Special Education students, grades K-12. During the pandemic she had her first textbook published, Teachers as Thinkers: Compassion and Competence in the Classroom, a book for teachers and coach-educators. When she is not working, Mary enjoys traveling, baking, writing, gardening, and hanging out with her delightful Golden Doodles Gracie and Mabel.
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