ADHD and Shame: Tips for Healing
By Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC
Shame is a common emotion for people with ADHD as a result of the negative messages that we have received over the course of our lives. Shame is the feeling that we are not worthy as we are, and can be detrimental for many if not addressed. Outcomes of shame over time can include low self esteem, masking or hiding who we are, and failure to utilize our strengths and gifts.
People with ADHD experience shame because as we grow, it becomes obvious to us that the way we are is not the preferred way of being in our society (Solden & Frank, 2019). For people with ADHD, experiencing shame has been likened to an “epidemic” in a recent additude magazine article.
LuckIly, there are ways to heal from shame. Here are 5 methods that have worked for me and others. I hope they might work for you or your loved ones!
1). Connect with others who have similar challenges.
Brene Brown discusses how shame cannot survive when empathy is present, and so connecting with others who understand is really important. There are numerous support groups out there on meetup.com, ADDA, at the HTC just to name a few :-) Therapists and other professionals who specialize in ADHD can also be a great resource when you are seeking understanding and empathy.
2). Laugh about the humorous aspects of our experiences.
The Holderness Family is a wonderful example of a family who are working to destigmatize ADHD through humor. This video casts an inspiring new light on our ADHD experiences.
3). Embrace imperfection with everything you do.
Many individuals with ADHD who experience shame will respond by becoming perfectionists. However, perfectionism can lead to procrastination, self-criticism, and unhealthy behaviors, breeding an ongoing shame loop. Embracing one’s imperfection as part of the human condition can really help; As Jessica McCabe notes in this video, “there is no such thing as perfectly….just done!
4). Do what works for you.
When you do what works for you and not what is “supposed” to work or may work for others, you’ll build confidence in your skills and abilities. What works for you will very often not work for others, and what is “easy” for most people may not be easy for you. Don’t let that stop you :-) Use past successes, joys, and interests to support your endeavors! This ADDitude article provides guidance on how to make ADHD-friendly goals personalized to you.
5). Use your strengths.
When you lead with your strengths, you will show up as the best version of yourself and experience more joy, confidence, and competence. All ADHD challenges have a flip side, as the “two sides, same coin” comic by Dani Donovan shows. This is a helpful free survey tool for learning about your strengths if you would like to begin some self-reflection in this exciting area!
While shame frequently makes us feel alone, the truth is we are in this together! Reach out, laugh, be imperfect, do what works for you, and lead with your strengths! These activities are way more fun than shame loops, I promise :-)
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