Ways to Support Your Fellow ADHD-er
Angela Swan, LMHCA, PsyD, ADHD-CCSP
Welcome!
You have likely stumbled across this blog post because you are: (A) a person with ADHD who is looking for resources to send to your support system, and/or (B) a friend, family member, etc. who is hoping to improve your ability to support a loved one with ADHD. If this is the case, you have come to the right place!
Why is support important for people with ADHD?
Before we get into HOW to support people with ADHD, it might be helpful to consider some reasons WHY social support is a key component of mental wellness for people with ADHD:
Ableism and the history of ADHD treatment
If you open a copy of the DSM-5-TR or a psychology textbook, you will see that ADHD is categorized as a neurodevelopmental disorder instead of a neurological difference. This is because the psychology world has historically approached neurological differences through a lens of “disorder,” and often neglected the strengths and benefits of these differences. Consequently, the focus of ADHD “treatment” over the last 100+ years involved eliminating or hiding these differences, and often centered the needs of everyone except the person with ADHD. Contemporary ADHD providers now recognize this as an incomplete and ableist approach and attribute most of the “disorder” of having ADHD to insufficient accessibility and the emotional impact of how people with ADHD are treated. This means that part of reducing the suffering of people with ADHD requires the people around them (and society as a whole) to become more tolerant, compassionate and flexible in response to their differences.
ADHD Burnout
Industrialized modern society wouldn’t be possible without the contributions of risk-takers, people who think outside the box, and quick thinkers (i.e., people with ADHD). While these attributes are celebrated, the person as a whole is often simultaneously devalued and left behind. As a result, people with ADHD learn that their natural way of being is “wrong,” “an inconvenience to others,” etc. and learn to “mask” their differences (when convenient for others) to survive in the modern world. Interestingly enough, people with ADHD are capable of organization, inhibition, and focused attention (and even do this more effectively than neurotypical people when experiencing a state of hyperfocus); however, it requires increased cognitive energy and resources to be able to perform in this way. When executive functioning skills are required for work, school, or social relationships to be successful, it often leads to burnout. Sadly, most people with ADHD are often misinterpreted as being “lazy,” when their cognitive resources are depleted. Allowing people with ADHD to show up as themselves, offering support, and creating an environment where masking is not required can help reduce the effects of burnout.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
People with ADHD receive a significantly higher proportion of negative feedback and rejection than their neurotypical peers throughout their lifespan. This repeated experience can lead to a lower tolerance for and a stronger emotional reaction to negative feedback. Learning how to recognize and respond to RSD can strengthen your relationship and reduce conflict when RSD shows up in interpersonal interactions.
Connection
People with ADHD often struggle with feeling misunderstood because the symptoms of ADHD can come off as “rude” when they are attempting to connect with others. Learning more about how a person experiences inattention and impulsivity may increase feelings of compassion and tolerance for the unique ways that ADHD can show up in interpersonal relationships and this can eventually lead to deeper feelings of connection with ADHD loved ones. Furthermore, understanding the internal experience of ADHD allows you to communicate boundaries and manage your expectations more effectively. Reducing the cognitive energy that is required to follow neurotypical rules in social interactions allows people with ADHD to use their cognitive resources to show they care.
Suggestions and resources for how to support people with ADHD
Now that we’ve reviewed the “why,” let’s get into the “how.” It’s important to keep in mind that navigating the act of giving and receiving support can feel tricky and even messy. Try as we might, we cannot always guarantee that the impact of our actions will match our intentions. All we can do is make efforts that will increase the likelihood of this outcome. This includes you being here and reading this article right now.
Below you will find a list of evidence-based suggestions for supporting people with ADHD, links to self-help and educational resources, and tips for when to use these suggestions:
Unlearn ableist views of neurodiversity and ADHD
Since educational and occupational systems are not often built with ADHD and neurodiversity in mind, the person with ADHD is forced to adapt or request accommodations to function successfully. If you are an educator, employer, or simply a person who cares about creating an equitable space for ADHD-ers, it is important to learn about the history of ADHD, increasing accessibility, and unlearning ableism. Since anti-ableist approaches towards ADHD have piggybacked on the work of Autism (ASD) and neurodiversity activism as a whole, it might be helpful to learn about dismantling ableism from a neurodiversity perspective as well. This book is also a good starting point.
Approach ADHD and neurodiversity with curiosity
ADHD looks different for everyone, and if we are not careful, we can misjudge and react unkindly to our fellow ADHD-ers for neurological differences that are out of their control. The best way to learn about the unique needs of people with ADHD is to keep a listening ear and an open mind when people describe their internal experience of having ADHD. You can also proactively educate yourself and others about certain topics related to ADHD. Here are a few resources to consider:
a) CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD) is a popular ADHD resource hub and assortment of educational resources for parents, educators, and professionals.
b) Hallowell Todaro’s website offers educational resources, webinars/classes and blog posts on various ADHD-related topics.
c) Neurodiverse content creators offer a first-hand account of ADHD/neurodiversity. These perspectives can be helpful for situations when it would be inappropriate to ask (e.g., you are a teacher or employer of someone with ADHD) or when your ADHD loved one does not have the space to describe their experience. Consider looking into the “How to ADHD” YouTube channel, Dr. Hallowell’s podcast, and Dr. Devon Price’s blog posts/books.Seek community
The world we live in is ill-equipped to support neurodiverse people, making it difficult for neurotypicals to understand the internal experience of someone who is neurodiverse. The act of giving support can feel challenging and exhausting. Building relationships with others who share similar struggles can help you gain skills and resources, and feel supported. If you are a parent, Hallowell Todaro offers a drop-in support group for parents and parent coaching sessions. Parents Helping Parents also offers a variety of online support groups.
Offer empathy first; advice second
When you observe someone with ADHD struggling to do the thing, your first impulse might be to make suggestions or even do the thing for them. Although well-intended, this can be unhelpful and worsen feelings of guilt and shame around procrastination. Instead, listen and empathize with their struggles and ask their permission before offering resources or advice.
Learn more about your own relationship with neurodiversity and ADHD
If you have a family member with ADHD, there is a significant chance that you may also be a person with ADHD. Learning more about your “neuro-status” can lead to important insights about how you respond to ADHD traits.
Learn how to communicate feedback and set boundaries
Effective communication and boundary-setting are quintessential skills for maintaining healthy relationships with others. People with ADHD often feel misunderstood in social relationships because their neurological differences can make boundary violations seem malicious or intentional on the surface. This combined with a sensitivity to negative feedback can make navigating conflict and boundary issues with ADHD-ers tricky. Developing a plan with your ADHD loved one ahead of time can help with this. Here are some resources to help you do this:
a) Information and skills for healthy communication with people who have ADHDb) Tips for neurotypicals in a romantic relationship with an ADHD-er
c) Tips for an ADHD person who would like to learn skills related to boundaries
d) Learn more about communication differences between neurodiverse people and neurotypical people, i.e., the “double empathy problem”
If all else fails, practice compassion
Whether you are a person with ADHD or neurotypical, all humans are deserving of kindness and compassion. One of the most compassionate ways you can show up for people with ADHD is to avoid shaming them for their neurological differences and allow space for their neurodiversity to exist. If you are a parent, check out this link for tips!
Final Thoughts
This is not a finite list. If you have any additional tips or resources to add to this list, please send them to info@hallowelltodaro.com. Additionally, if you require any accommodations to make the contents of this blog post more accessible (e.g., a voice recording of this article), please reach out to let us know.
Continue your learning!
ADHD Classes & Groups
View our upcoming ADHD classes, webinars, and support groups for people of all ages.