Living in a Neurotypical World

 

By Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC
Head of Coaching, Hallowell Todaro Washington

 

I’ve been reading about neurodiversity lately, most recently the excellent book, “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price, PhD. According to Price, many neurodivergent people (ADHD, ASD, people with other mental health issues) mask their neurodivergent behaviors because they are trying to perform the strict neurotypical standards promoted in our society.

Price shares that the standards of neurotypicality are very strict and essentially unattainable to all. As a result, these standards hurt everyone, even those who are able to perform these standards the majority of the time. There is a cost to trying to live up to neurotypical standards of behavior—pretending to be someone you’re not is incredibly expensive to a neurodivergent person’s energy and mental health.

So what is the takeaway here? If you are feeling like you are falling short, you are not alone and it is not your fault! Almost NO ONE can meet neurotypical standards all the time, even people who are not diagnosed with neurodivergence!

What are these strict standards that the neurotypical world expects of us? I started brainstorming and this is what I came up with (this list is not exhaustive!)…

We are expected to be:

  • Not overly focused but not too unfocused

  • Not too disorganized, but also not compulsively organized

  • Not too uncontrolled in our behaviors and actions but also not too rigid and controlling

  • Smart across all subjects and tasks to exact same degree, having a brain that is consistently competent in all areas, corresponding to our same-age peers

We are also expected to have:

  • Just the right amount of social energy—not too little and not too much

  • Proficiency with “easy” tasks like cleaning, time management, scheduling, paperwork, etc.

  • The ability to be the right amount nice but not a pushover, and be able to stand up for oneself but not be annoying

It seems to me that for all of the aforementioned expectations, there is a very small window in which society will label us as “normal” and “neurotypical.”

As Price says, it does seem unlikely that anyone would meet these super specific and exacting criteria all of the time. Personally, I have yet to meet someone who is the right amount organized. I am “too disorganized” and several of my friends are “too organized.” Apparently, we all need help. I have yet to meet a person who is just the right amount of organized…have you?

So what else does this all mean? I think we might conclude the following:

  • We should try to be kind to ourselves and others.

  • Almost no one meets the neurotypical, unattainable standard so it’s okay if you don’t either.

  • Take criticism from others and from your inner critic with a grain of salt. You are being judged based on an unreachable standard so just GO DO YOU.

In case you need a friendly reminder about this idea, I’ve re-made the lyrics to the song “Material World” by Madonna (I am trying to nurture my creative outlets, just like Drs. Hallowell & Ratey (2021) suggest!).

Some folks hate me, some folks like me
I’m trying to feel okay
If they don't talk about my interests
I just space out today
They think I’m lazy, think I’m crazy
and if they can't see my light, that's aight
'Cause the person without the mask is
always the friend that’s right

'Cause we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl
You know that we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl

Some folks get me, some folks forget me
That's how it will be
If they can't understand my strengths then
I have to let them be
Some people tell me I need to fit in
I don't let them play, no way
Only those that let me be me
Make my rainy day

'Cause we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl
You know that we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl

Approval comes and approval goes
And that's alright you see
My brain isn’t always appreciated
But I don’t take it personally

'Cause we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl
You know that we are living in a neurotypical world
And I am a neurodivergent girl

Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC

About the Author

Catherine Mutti-Driscoll works at the Hallowell Todaro ADHD Center - Seattle as an ADHD Coach and the Director of Executive Function Coaching. Catherine loves to learn and has a variety of degrees and certifications. Highlights include Catherine’s Ph.D. in Education from the University of Washington and her coach training from Impact Parents and the International ADHD Coach Training Center.

In June 2024, Catherine will publish her first book with New Harbinger Press, The ADHD Workbook for Teen Girls: Understand Your Neurodivergent Brain, Make the Most of Your Strengths, and Build Confidence to Thrive. Catherine is also currently studying to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Walden University, slated to graduate in Fall 2026. When she is not working, studying, or writing, Catherine enjoys hanging out with her neurodivergent family, drinking coffee with friends, dancing to Taylor Swift, and reading contemporary romances. 

Margaret Kayspotlight, homepage