Advice For Moms With ADHD From Someone Who Has Been There
By Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, PhD
Director of Executive Function Coaching, Hallowell Todaro ADHD Center
It isn’t easy being a mom with ADHD. Once we become mothers, the gendered expectations ramp up, the demands on our executive functioning skills (brain-based skills that help us get things done) skyrocket, and access to downtime becomes almost nonexistent. Women are placed in an unwinnable bind, often told they need to work like they don’t have children and parents like they don’t work.
Adding to these challenges, many women who are moms today weren’t diagnosed and treated with ADHD at a young age, if at all. Many women with ADHD remain undiagnosed as they enter a new and demanding life phase, some only finding out they have ADHD when their child receives a diagnosis. Many undiagnosed women with ADHD coped with their challenges with the unsustainable strategies of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-medicating, and as a result, moms with ADHD can easily buckle under the increased responsibility and pressures of motherhood.
So what’s an ADHD mom to do? Here are a few tips.
1). Question the messages about being a “good woman” or a “good mother” you’ve received, and work on letting go of the drive to be perfect.
As Martha Beck shares (2021), even neurotypical women can’t meet all the expectations placed on mothers. Beck reflects on how she had to stop trying to meet these unattainable and conflicting cultural standards for mothers: “By trying to be both a devoted Mormon mother and a successful Harvard scholar, I’d ended up in an extreme version of this innocent error. The harder I tried to fulfill one set of requirements, the more I felt I was failing at the other. The more I tried to “balance” contradictory roles, the more off-center and miserable I felt. My research showed me there were a lot of women in the same boat. Most of us never even saw that we were trying to fulfill irreconcilable demands, because they were deeply rooted in cultural assumptions” (p. 123-127).
2). Foster self-compassion for being unable to reach unattainable goals for women and moms, and any and all executive function (brain-based) challenges.
My executive function challenges include organization, planning and prioritization, and flexibility. Now that I know my messy home and cooking challenges are not my fault and are instead related to my brain’s ADHD challenges, I’m able to foster increasing self-compassion for my struggles in these areas.
3). Tend to your ADHD and your mental health.
What support would help you? You deserve it!
Cleaning/organizing help?
Co-working accountability?
Therapy?
Coaching?
Support groups?
Take it one support at a time and work on getting yourself the help you need. Remember: you do not need to do everything at once (and doing it all at once is not recommended :-)). Living with your ADHD is a marathon, not a sprint!
4). Connect with other women with ADHD and those with whom you can be authentic and honest.
If you can’t find people locally or are super introverted, consider finding a good ADHD women’s podcast or a book by women with ADHD who get it to help you feel more understood! Paris: The Memoir is a beautiful ADHD memoir if you like to learn about one woman’s experience with ADHD :-)
In this same vein, I’ve also enjoyed joining the Sober Mom Squad community where I can connect with other Moms authentically and honestly. A lot of the Moms are neurodivergent like me! :-)
5). When assessing your parenting success, keep your eye on big-picture, long-term goals.
Remember: you are not a failure if you haven’t mastered following through on those reward charts for your children or couldn’t seem to implement the newest parenting strategy just so! Many of us struggle with parenting “best practices.”
Here is a wonderful podcast episode from Tracy Otsuka that offers strategies for focusing on what really matters for our neurodivergent children long-term (our relationship with them and supporting them in learning about their interests, needs, and what gives them meaning).
6). Lean into your ADHD strengths.
ADHD moms are fun, creative, determined, persistent, empathetic, and encouraging, just to name a few! Please try to stop beating yourself up for having a messy house, ordering takeout, or forgetting your child’s water bottle at school today :-) After all, you throw the best birthday parties, give the best hugs, and are the best listener when your child shares their ADHD struggles too :-) Even if you have different ADHD challenges than your child does, you get what it is like to live with, as Dr. Hallowell describes, “a racecar brain with bicycle brakes” :-) Children with ADHD love to feel understood and appreciated.
As I know from personal experience, it isn’t easy being a mom, especially when ADHD comes along for the ride. I hope that this blog post helps a mom with ADHD in your life find some extra self-compassion, tap into personal strengths, connect with others, and find helpful supports. You got this, Mama! I believe in you :-)
Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC
About the Author
Catherine Mutti-Driscoll works at the Hallowell Todaro ADHD Center in Seattle as an ADHD Coach and the Director of Executive Function Coaching. Catherine loves to learn and has a variety of degrees and certifications. Highlights include Catherine’s Ph.D. in Education from the University of Washington and her coach training from Impact Parents and the International ADHD Coach Training Center.
In June 2024, Catherine will publish her first book with New Harbinger Press, The ADHD Workbook for Teen Girls: Understand Your Neurodivergent Brain, Make the Most of Your Strengths, and Build Confidence to Thrive. Catherine is also currently studying to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Walden University, slated to graduate in Fall 2026. When she is not working, studying, or writing, Catherine enjoys hanging out with her neurodivergent family, drinking coffee with friends, dancing to Taylor Swift, and reading contemporary romances.
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