Why Perfectionism Isn't Perfect: Tips From a Recovering Perfectionist
By Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, ADHD Coach
As a recovering perfectionist, I would like to share some of the challenges of this approach for people with ADHD.
I would also like to share how we are quite vulnerable to becoming perfectionists through no fault of our own (especially when we aren’t diagnosed until 37! Speaking hypothetically of course 😊)
Why are we vulnerable to perfectionism?
First, our society elevates a generalist/well-rounded, “normal” and neurotypical person. In contrast, the ADHD brain has peaks and valleys of strengths and challenges. Because our brains are different, we receive a lot of negative feedback.
Second, we can tell what people think we “should” be, but we aren’t able to enact this ideal (code: neurotypical) personally due to executive function challenges. On top of this, we commonly have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which makes rejection very painful, and so we become perfectionists in the hopes that we can head off judgement before it strikes. We try harder to try and control our abilities, demanding perfection from ourselves, in a desperate attempt to preserve our feelings of worth.
However, as I alluded to earlier, there are quite a few cons of this approach.
First, as Brene Brown aptly notes, there is no such thing as perfection. As a result, it is easy to get discouraged or feel like we are failing when we don’t reach our impossible perfectionistic goals.
Second, we are more likely to give up on activities (hobbies and interests) we aren’t perfectly good at, but which might bring us joy and success one day were we to stick with them.
Third, we will likely focus an inordinate amount of time on our challenges (trying to “fix” ourselves), overlooking our unique strengths, and also experiencing limited progress due to not working in our strength areas. In seeking to be the “perfect woman,” I have tried again and again to “fix” my challenges with cooking, cleaning, and parenting. Spoiler alert: my house is still a mess, I got take-out last night, and my biggest parenting achievement is making my children laugh (NOT helping them with routines or organizational skills...whoops!).
Finally, we won’t be able to experience or offer our authentic selves to the world. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well, as Sari Solden and Michelle Frank tell us, being our authentic self is imperative for stimulating our brains; it’s not just “feel-good fluff.” When we try to measure up to other’s expectations and ideals, we ultimately feel empty and dissatisfied. Our brain chemistry needs us to be ourselves in order to supply us with adequate dopamine. Trying harder to be someone we are not results in a cycle of pushing ourselves and tapping into our limited willpower (which can only last so long, inevitably disappointing ourselves and others).
So, how do we combat perfectionism?
Stop fixing ourselves! You may just always be somewhat messy and it’s okay, I never judge other people’s houses….
Do things you're bad at and get comfy with those feelings of learning how to do something (I’ve taken up dancing and rollerblading!). Try to focus on how most of us love to learn.
Do things to a “good enough” standard and then walk away.
Speaking of walking away, if you are getting intensely perfectionistic about something, set a Pomodoro or a SHORT timer and walk away when it is done (my timer is about to go off for this blog post and I can’t stop revising...eek!).
Don’t judge yourself when you slip up back into your perfectionistic ways. Even working on being less perfectionistic will be IMPERFECT! (Just one more edit…no, Catherine, walk away from the keyboard!!! Spoiler alert: I did not walk away. I revised one more time. I am now sending off the blog post, I PROMISE!)
Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC
About the Author
Catherine Mutti-Driscoll works at the Hallowell Todaro ADHD Center - Seattle as an ADHD Coach and the Director of Executive Function Coaching. Catherine loves to learn and has a variety of degrees and certifications. Highlights include Catherine’s Ph.D. in Education from the University of Washington and her coach training from Impact Parents and the International ADHD Coach Training Center.
In June 2024, Catherine will publish her first book with New Harbinger Press, The ADHD Workbook for Teen Girls: Understand Your Neurodivergent Brain, Make the Most of Your Strengths, and Build Confidence to Thrive. Catherine is also currently studying to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Walden University, slated to graduate in Fall 2026. When she is not working, studying, or writing, Catherine enjoys hanging out with her neurodivergent family, drinking coffee with friends, dancing to Taylor Swift, and reading contemporary romances.
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