Feel Better, Behave Better — Removing Putdowns From Punishments
By Peggy Gomula, PCI Certified Parent Coach
When I was in my “witch on a broomstick” phase, my discipline was all about making my children feel worse. “Why did you do that?” “Can’t you please just do it this way, for once in your life!” “You never...” All of these phrases and more would, I am ashamed to say, come flying out of my mouth in times of stress and chaos. There was no filter; there was no pause. It is certainly not a time I am proud of.
I am proud of realizing what I was doing and finding a way to make things better. I am proud of realizing that making my children feel worse did not help any situation. I am proud that I realized the importance of staying calm and connected to my children.
This past week, I spent some time in two of my daughters’ classrooms. I watched as they patiently handled each potentially explosive situation with grace and care. I watched them “teach” children instead of punishing them. I was awed and impressed with how they handled “their” children’s feelings while still keeping everything under control. I left their classrooms realizing that they will never have a “witch on a broomstick” phase in their life. I was so proud of them and so happy, that by getting help, I learned how to teach my children how to behave better without making them feel worse, and thus taught them to do the same.
A quote by Pam Lee really resonated with me at that time in my life. I hung it on my bathroom mirror to remind me every day. The quote is, “You can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.”
Slow down, pause, get your thoughts together, decide what you want to teach, and then take care of the situation. If you are stuck in your own “witch on a broomstick” phase, please find someone who can help you get off of that broomstick and back on solid ground.