ADHD and Lying — How Should Parents React?
By Peggy Gomula and Sally Kidder Davis
PCI-Certified Parent Coaches
Sooner or later most children will tell a lie. How you respond to your child is key, especially if your child has ADHD.
Maybe the lie is about school work that he didn’t understand. Or the lie could have been about a chore that he simply forgot to do.
Most of these kiddos live in a world where they are constantly reminded about what they forgot to do, how the assignment was rushed or the chore not done to your satisfaction. In a world where negatives start piling up, doesn’t it make sense a child would avoid telling the truth so he wouldn’t hear the criticism?
An ADHD brain may not be motivated to do the assignment. Sustaining attention for an extended period of time is uncomfortable and exhausting. Finishing that worksheet, which is beyond boring, is just so hard to focus on after putting in a full day of school.
When you find out that the assignment isn’t done, do you rush to judgement, like we often did? Hindsight is 20/20 - we didn’t have the benefit of the current information about brain science that we have today. Today we understand just how hard it really is for these kids to sustain attention on something that is NOT interesting. Now we understand that everyone has certain strengths and weaknesses in their executive functions which can significantly impact learning.
With this new understanding of the ADHD brain we encourage parents to pause before rushing to judgement and overreacting to the lie. Instead, be more curious: ‘Why did he choose to lie? What else is going on?’
In this moment he needs you to be an emotion scientist and ask questions to understand his behavior. This means suspending judgement and blame and leading with empathy. It is likely that your child does not have the emotional intelligence skills to express his feelings adequately, so it’s easier to avoid the truth.
Penny Williams in her recent podcast, Finding the Truth within the Lies, details her own compassionate response to her son’s lying. Her experience is not unique, but her response is and will likely create a stronger connection between the two of them. So, next time you are out for a walk, have a listen.
We’d love to hear how you respond if your child lies. Email us at parentsurvivalbasket@hallowelltodaro.com.
Peggy and Sally help parents navigate the challenges of raising a child who has ADHD.