Reintegration Anxiety: Supporting Your Child in the Post-Pandemic Era
By Lesley Todaro, LMFT
It is hard to accurately explain the lasting or short-term repercussions of the pandemic; time will tell. There is, however, a type of anxiety that is present in many people of all ages, as we try to resume a life that may be considered "normal". Returning to our past lives, and the anxiety that goes with it, has been referred to by some as Reintegration Anxiety. I suppose we can all become anxious as we resume engagement with people, activities, jobs, and schools (just to name a few) but this is different, and we all know it.
As an adult, try to imagine the thoughts, hopes, and fears of our kids, of all ages, as they return to the classroom, an environment that has been a constant throughout their younger years through adolescence. However, the return involves wearing masks, vigilance to one's temperature, and any symptom of any illness you can name. In addition, kids in some places have to stay apart from their friends in school and often eat lunch in their classrooms, and in some forms of higher education, in their dorm rooms, alone. Outside of school, if unvaccinated, they may continue to not see loved ones under the usual circumstances. Children hear the rumblings of adults fearfully saying "if grandpa got Covid, he could die". How devastating it must be for a child to think they could realistically be responsible for the death of someone they love more than anyone in the world.
Over the last 18 months, children were expected to stare at a screen for seven hours a day, and absorb what they would have, in a typical classroom setting. Is that possible? Not for most. In addition, are children expected to just slip comfortably in with their friends, many of whom they have not seen, in person, for 18 months? Unfortunately, adding to this, is the knowledge that younger children do not have a vaccine option—so is the fear that this disease that could kill grandpa, and that could harm them and their families, still here? I do not have a crystal ball, but I would bet that this anxiety remains in the minds and hearts of many.
So what do we do? We understand, understand, and understand some more. Especially with children struggling with ADHD, who likely could not sit and learn much on a screen for seven hours, even in the subjects they typically loved and were successful with in the past. We need to pay close attention to social cues, tummy aches, and refusal to go to school, to name a few. Defiance is not the root of many of the “no”s you hear; fear is.
Break it down, activity by activity, hour by hour, identify where the real anxiety is and address it honestly with your child. Explain to them that you understand. Remember, although much of this looks the same across many children, your child's experience is theirs and theirs alone. Do not shy away from the real problems by saying "everyone feels this way, even adults.”
The brains of most adults have fully formed, and as a result, coping mechanisms and changes may be easier. Kids right now have no idea which neural pathways they should depend on, if one has even yet developed. Expect that your kids will have holes in their learning, understand where these are, and hopefully, with the help of their teachers, support them. Lean hard on their schools and teachers to help you to develop strategies that may give your child access to catching up; lessen workloads so there is time to learn without ample stress. Most importantly, let your child know that together you will figure this out and there is no shame in not understanding the materials in these next grades for which they have no preparation.
Imagine the older kids, some thinking about college all their lives and are now heading into their college prep years, some frightfully unprepared. This is not a race—encourage confidence, look at interesting gap years, and have a discussion regarding their feelings about being ready to start college. Colleges will, at least for now, always be there to attend when your child is ready. If your child struggles with ADHD, never forget that their emotional and social development can be as much as 30% behind; your 17-year-old is really 14, your 12-year-old may be just reaching 9. This helps with perspective and understanding.
College-age kids may be second-semester sophomores and have never even seen the college they are set to attend. Most haven't met their roommates or have just begun the ‘college years’ they have frequently heard idealized. Some have dropped out. Fewer kids are going to college, having had this time to lose their rhythm. Many are isolated and lost with no direction or confidence. These kids are not in your basement playing video games because they are unmotivated or lazy, they are stuck and completely unprepared.
Instead of worrying, watching your child feel anxious, or out of place, and potentially isolated, slow down. Take this time to teach them what having grit and overcoming hardships can feel like. Because underneath it all is the need for your child to feel successful in any way they can, and when success has been found anywhere, build from there. Throw away the shoulds, have-tos, and what-ifs. Be present and supportive, stay calm, and the likelihood of reintegration anxiety overtaking your child will decrease. Please understand that there is much now that is so much harder than it ever ought to be, some feel it is comparable to a world recovering from a war; and yes to some, having lost loved ones or their health, it may feel all too analogous.
I will end with the understanding that none of this is as easy as it seems to be, written here. But as adults, know you are not alone, seek help for you and your child/ren. We will get through this in the best way we can, but the calmer we are, the easier it will be; that I can almost promise.
Stay safe and healthy…
We provide coaching, therapy, education, and wraparound support for people with ADHD and their families.
Contact us to get started.