As the School Year Ends: A Message from Lesley Todaro for Parents Navigating ADHD

Jun 24

As families assess the past school year and how to best approach the upcoming year this fall, I thought that I could be helpful.

Understand that each year brings potential challenges along with potential successes. Some challenges will remain constant until appropriately addressed, while others may clear away as a result of development and maturity. Always keep in mind that the frontal lobe of the brain—responsible for executive function—matures at a rate 30% slower in kids with ADHD compared to neurotypical peers. This will eventually even out in the end, but in the meantime, extreme patience and understanding are needed.

The most common challenges tend to involve social and emotional growth. It is quite common to see rapidly shifting periods of social acceptance and rejection. People with ADHD are attractive, smart, and charming, and often don’t have early difficulties making friends. However, they are also energetic, demanding, and impulsive, which may lead to some friendships moving in reverse. I ask parents to stay on top of these struggles and, if they cannot be managed at home, to reach out to a parent coach, therapist, and/or executive function coach for guidance. We ideally like to help as early as possible to avoid the spiral of confusion and disillusionment found so often among all people with ADHD. This spiral can potentially lead to negative self-talk and a lack of confidence and self-esteem.

Let me briefly digress and explain the origin of this spiral. There are two networks in the brain that play a part in positive /negative self-talk and the ability to move forward. The Task Mode Network is the area where tasks are planned and executed. The Default Mode Network (what I have nicknamed the "Demonic Mode Network”) is where many of those with ADHD get stuck—sometimes briefly, sometimes for long stretches. This is the network behind destructive thoughts like “I’m a failure,” “I can’t do this,” or “No one likes me.” If there was one aspect of ADHD that one should get help controlling, it is how to keep your thoughts away from this network. It is easy to get stuck in this spiral.

As kids move from grade to grade, helping them avoid the trap of the Default Mode Network and shift their self-talk away from negative thoughts is one of the most important things you can do.

In addition, connection to a parent or caregiver is vital. As kids get older, it can feel difficult to connect. Connection is crucial, and you can establish it through a short period of dedicated time every day. Connection doesn’t have to be built through activities chosen by the parent (and ideally, it shouldn’t be). It can be watching a show with your child, asking about a game they are playing, or anything that you know will interest them. This connection is best if it occurs daily, and if the child feels your complete presence. This will lead to future trust and connection as you try to help your child navigate their life.

Continual work on your child's positive self-talk and connection with a parent or guardian is essential. In addition, take stock of how their year went, and assess whether any accommodations or changes are needed for next year. Stay involved in your child's educational path and advocate for your child and their needs. The schools are mandated to provide your child with an appropriate education that meets their needs. Do not give up.

With warmth and encouragement,
Lesley