Staying Close While Letting Go: Parenting an Adult Child
By Peggy Gomula
Director of Parent Coaching, Hallowell Todaro
There's a surprising shift that many parents don't see coming—it's not about teenagers or the empty nest. Instead, it's about what happens after — caring for an adult child. The love remains the same. It never changes. But nearly everything else about the role evolves, and most parents aren't given a new guide or instructions to navigate it.
When a child is young, a parent's role is to guide, oversee, and take responsibility for how things turn out. That's just what parents do — and it works well. But as kids reach their twenties, that same approach may not be as helpful and can even be counterproductive. Adult children don’t need someone to direct them anymore; they need a trusted advisor—someone who offers helpful insights and then steps back, letting them take charge of their own journey. Many parents still find themselves still managing because they haven't been given a clear signal or plan for how to let go. That's exactly where coaching can make a positive difference.
In nearly every first session, I often hear a familiar trio of thoughts repeated in some form.
Thinking, "If I stop helping, will they fall apart?' is fear disguising itself as love. It may feel like genuine care, but at its heart, it's often just worry about what will happen if the safety net is gone.
"We don't see eye to eye on how much is too much," one parent gently points out. The other responds by pulling back. Instead of solving the real issue, they end up arguing, which makes it harder to understand and connect.
It's common for every conversation to feel like a fight, often because the parent and adult child are still communicating in old roles from fifteen years ago — roles that no longer suit either of them.
Almost everything in this work is rooted in one key shift: moving from being a manager to becoming a consultant. A manager tends to solve problems directly, feels personally responsible for the results, reacts quickly during crises, and gauges success by whether tasks are completed as asked — did they do what I said? In contrast, a consultant offers perspective and then steps back, allowing the adult to take ownership of the outcome. They respond on their own schedule, not the crisis's urgency, and measure success by the health of the relationship — not just whether the advice was followed. This single reframe makes most of the work easier. Everything else is just practicing living within this new way of thinking.
This week, consider trying out The Boundary Script as a helpful tool. The format is simple:
"I love you, and [boundary]. You're welcome to [what remains open], and I trust you to handle [what's theirs]."
For example: "I love you, and I won't be covering rent again this year. You're welcome to stay through the 30th, and I trust you to figure out next steps."
Or: "I love you, and I'm not going to referee the fight with your brother. You're welcome to talk it through with him, and I trust you both to work it out."
Practicing the script out loud can be incredibly beneficial — whether in a coaching session, practicing with a partner, or even speaking in front of the mirror. It helps build confidence and familiarity before you try it at home. When you attempt to say the words for the first time in a tense situation, it can feel quite challenging and may not go as smoothly as you'd like. Taking the time to practice first can make a big difference.
Many parents often find themselves caught between two options: rescuing or withdrawing. Rescuing can quickly solve the immediate problem, but it can also unintentionally encourage dependence. On the flip side, withdrawing might seem like an easier way to avoid discomfort, but it can also lead to emotional distance. Finding a balanced approach can help nurture independence while maintaining connection. There's a gentle third way — connecting. Be present, listen, and let your adult child take the lead in the conversation. Focus on nurturing your relationship rather than trying to control the outcome. This approach truly helps build trust and understanding over time.
Parents often share that they notice changes in themselves first when their adult child changes. They usually mention three main things about how they feel or act. Reduced resentment—since boundaries eliminate silent scorekeeping. More truthful conversations—because fear no longer dictates the script. A more peaceful home—centered on a single consistent voice, even during stress.
If you take one thing from this, try the boundary script with one situation this week, and notice what shifts in the room.
Peggy Gomula
About the Author
With over 20 years of experience as a parent coach, Peggy Gomula brings deep insight and warmth to her work. She has served as a teacher, tutor, and coach and holds a BA in Education from SUNY Potsdam, along with certification from The Parent Coach Institute®.
Peggy understands that parenting can be overwhelming, especially when ADHD is involved. She reached a pivotal moment in her parenting journey when she questioned whether she could do better. Thankfully, she found the guidance and tools she needed to create a calmer, more connected home—and now she helps other parents do the same.
Through her coaching, Peggy is passionate about helping families recognize their children’s unique strengths, nurture their potential, fuel their growth, and bring more ease, fun, and connection into everyday life. She understands that parenting can be demanding, but she believes raising responsible, compassionate, and independent kids is not just possible—it can also be fun.
Peggy is married and has three adult daughters. All five members of her family share the gift of ADHD—an experience that fuels her empathy, perspective, and commitment to the families she serves.
