ADHD and Friendship
By Mary Sanford, Ph.D.
ADHD & Executive Function Coach, Hallowell Todaro
“Friendship multiples the good of life.”
- Baltasar Gracian
Having ADHD is challenging. We are interest-focused creatures and care deeply about others. We are warm, loyal, funny, enthusiastic, generous, and genuine. And yet many of us struggle with making friends and keeping them. We forget birthdays, lunch dates, and significant events in our friends’ lives. We blurt, over- inform, promise to stay in touch- and yet we don’t. We misread social cues and ignore those dear to us.
It isn’t that we are bad, self-absorbed people. It’s weaknesses with our executive functions. With kids who have ADHD, maintaining friendships can be problematic. Common problems include interrupting conversations, poor listening skills, dominating conversations, instability, and frequent emotional intensity.
While adults have similar challenges, these are compounded by simple daily living. Adults may be juggling a job, school, and family responsibilities among other activities. Maintaining friendships is yet 1 more thing to keep track of. Let’s examine how ADHD affects friendship and explore practical solutions for making and keeping our friends.
Executive Function Challenges
Friendship issues are often exacerbated by problems with executive functions. In addition to issues with sustained attention, people with ADHD struggle to keep friendships alive due to problems with these challenges.
Working Memory Issues. Out of sight, out of mind.
For example, Norah sees that today is Sandy’s birthday, the big 4.0. I know I should call her, she thinks, maybe invite her to lunch. “Hmm…now where is that card I bought her?” she mumbles as she rummages through the overflow pile on her desk. “Yikes—it’s going on 10:30! Where did the time go? This report is already late to my boss. Forget it. I’ll call Sandy at lunch.”
But lunchtime is crunch time, another crisis, and after work, it’s the kids.
Two weeks later, she suddenly remembers—I never called Sandy! She had strong intentions, she wanted to reach out, but had inconsistent execution.
Inhibition Control
Meet Jeff. Last Friday, Jeff was so happy when he ran into Casey at Runners’ Happy Hour. It’s been two months since Casey left McCarthy’s LLC, and Jeff really missed these after-work gab sessions.
They grab a couple of beers, and Casey starts telling him about the North Cascades ski trip he recently took. “Skiing”? Jeff interrupts. “ That’s amazing! Oh, me and Stacy are going to the Alps in February. We’re going to…” and off he blabs, sharing details about the lodge, the backcountry skiing they plan to do, and on and on.
Jeff is oblivious to Casey’s boredom, his oversharing, and how he is railroading the conversation. There is a total lack of inhibition control.
A neurotypical person will likely listen intently, pose questions, and then share something about their upcoming vacation, being sensitive to social cues. In contrast, the person with ADHD ends up dominating the conversation and ignores the normal give and take between them.
Cognitive Flexibility
Leo and Macy plan to go to Salty’s on Alki to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of their first date. Leo promises to make reservations—the place is always packed, and he’d really love to surprise her with a waterside table. He figures calling them a week in advance ought to do it. Plenty of time.
But when he calls, he’s put on a wait list. Instead, he books Canlis, an equally nice restaurant, but when he tells Macy, she completely melts down. She accuses him of procrastinating, rants about how disappointed she is, and then blurts out that now she doesn’t even want to celebrate! Ouch. Macy struggles with shifting gears. ADHD brains often don’t regulate emotions very well.
Solutions
If you see yourself in any of these scenarios or have neurodivergent loved ones, here are workarounds that will pay dividends in lasting friendships.
First, set realistic expectations. Relationships take work. It’s a multistep process to make a friend and to keep a friend by discovering common interests and viewpoints, creating memories, and then maintaining that friendship by developing connections consistently over time.
The good news is, the more moments of connection you have with a person, the harder it is to break that bond. It’s both quality time and the amount of time you spend together that counts. Ahem—playing with your phone while pretending to listen doesn’t count.
Also, note typical patterns of miscommunication and guard against them. Ask for conversation feedback from friends and loved ones, and make an intentional effort to improve in those areas. Do you tend to dominate conversations? Ask a friend to use a code word—Bazinga!—when you start doing this and reel yourself back in.
Another way to keep communication consistent and ongoing is to schedule monthly check-ins with friends. This can be by phone or just a weekly or monthly get-together. Look for ways to deepen the friendship via walks or “fieldtrips” to museums or parks. The goal is to keep that commitment. Note things the other person likes and what’s going on with their lives. My gal pal Alicia loves pandas, and her daughter is starting a fun summer camp job for the first time. Ask how she’s doing. Show interest. She, in turn, knew I was getting stressed out over my recent furnace install and sent me a text the morning of the work, sharing good thoughts about it. That small gesture meant a lot to me.
In summary, to make and keep these precious friendships, we need to be intentional, focused, and go beyond words and vague actions. We must walk the talk by being loving and kind. We are caring, loving people—it’s one of our ADHD superpowers. Use it and be the friend who supports others, and happily is supported by them.
Make the time to embrace friendship. Both it, and you, are worth it.
Mary Sanford, PhD
About the Author
Mary Sanford is a progress-oriented ADHD Executive Function Coach with a wealth experience successfully working with late teens and adult clients. Her expertise and knowledge of ADHD and her excitement in helping clients improve their lives is highly rewarding to her. In her own words, Mary loves slaying the ADHD dragons of negativity and defeating behaviors that frequently torment her clients. In addition to serving as an Executive Function ADHD Coach, Mary leads ADHD and college success workshops for Hallowell Todaro. She is knowledgeable about the challenges of ADHD and neuro-diversity and uses that knowledge to capitalize on each person’s unique gifts. Clients describe her as empathetic, compassionate, enthusiastic, flexible, and resourceful.
Mary has a PhD in Adult Education from Syracuse University, an M.Ed. in Learning Disabilities with Reading Specialist certification, and a B.S.degree in Special Education both from Bloomsburg University. Before going into higher education, she taught Special Education students, grades K-12. During the pandemic she had her first textbook published, Teachers as Thinkers: Compassion and Competence in the Classroom, a book for teachers and coach-educators. When she is not working, Mary enjoys traveling, baking, writing, gardening, and hanging out with her delightful Golden Doodles Gracie and Kellen.
