Love, Dating, and ADHD - Part 2
By Mary Sanford, Ph.D.
ADHD & Executive Function Coach, Hallowell Todaro
This is a two-part series on romantic relationships and ADHD. In Part 1 last month, we addressed the joys of falling in love when you have your secret dating chaperone, ADHD, and the challenges and pitfalls that arise when the shine starts to wear off.
At the onset of this new relationship, we see possibilities and hope. We crave those irresistible dopamine hits, the joys of new relationships and the delight of falling hard and fast for someone. We obsess and hyperfocus on our new partner, but slowly the mask starts to slip, and then the blahs set in. Our secret chaperone, ‘ole ADHD, makes itself known. We pay less attention to the partner; we’re less focused on them. Our sweetie feels the distance growing and tries harder. The ADHD partner pulls back. It’s like Spring in Seattle- the birdies cheep, the flowers bloom, it’s balmy and sunny for two days. Look! Tulips! And then the grey mist returns like a lying lover.
Here are typical relationship challenges when the glow starts to fade. Do any of these sound like you or your loved ones? Never finishing a task, arguing over mess or money, multitasking while the other is speaking, time blindness, procrastination, or zoning out?
And yet we, with ADHD have these incredible strengths that are essential for making love last. ADHD, as long been touted, is a superpower. And it is. This superpower means we are amazingly creative, solve problems in ways no one remotely considered, stay calm in a crisis, hyperfocus, zero in on details, think outside the box, have enthusiasm, plus we’re caring and compassionate, and so much more.
How can we use those strengths to make love last and be our authentic selves? Here are 7 strategies that will help build a solid relationship foundation. These strategies are not just for neurodiverse folks like us, but for neurotypical people as well.
1. The “Us Team”
So often, relationship problems stem from a misunderstanding of intent. When something, a chore perhaps, doesn’t get done, or we fail to follow through on an action, the blame game starts. Our neurotypical partner brings it to our attention, we feel attacked, and take the situation personally. For example, they may think If ( the partner with ADHD) really cared about me, they would/ wouldn’t do…” Or “They know this event is really important to me. And yet they…”
As the relationship shine wears off, they may feel like the ADHD person is not giving their 100% all any more in the relationship. The ADHD partner, in turn, feels attacked and inadequate, and retreats.
Instead of blaming ADHD and, by default, the person, approach challenges as a collaborative effort where you are working together as a team to solve a problem. Think: This wonderful person sincerely wants to meet my/ our needs and ADHD is getting in the way. How can we work together? What strategies can we come up with that work for both of us? It’s easy to take things personally. But truth be told, it’s not about you.
2. Be Authentic and Honest
This is a hard one- it’s scary, but once you start being authentic and honest about your needs and challenges, you will discover the delight of falling in love all over again. I promise. Communicate your needs rather than pretend you don’t have them or that you’re a burden or will be perceived as needy. The ADHD person constantly gets messages from society that they need to be fixed, that they are inadequate, and that they are never good enough. Getting similar messages from their partner only reinforces that mentality.
Instead of hiding your needs as you did in the first days and months of this wonderful relationship, try this: “ I could really use a hug right now.” Or, “I really don’t need you to solve this work problem. I just need you to listen.”
Also, be clear about your expectations. A good heart-to-heart talk with yourself about your needs, wants, deal breakers, and sharing these with your partner will contribute so much to the relationship and to future relationships. When you share these with your partner, be sure to listen to their needs. You may have to adjust yours and compromise, but remember - you’re a team.
3. Communicate Clearly and With Intent
We, neurodivergent people, have an ongoing battle with time blindness. For example, when a partner mentions a chore, we sometimes think it needs to be done NOW- or not now. And not now means it gets done in some distant future….
Instead, ask your partner to give you a time buffer, such as, “In 10 minutes, can we be heading out the door to go to the soccer match?”
Or, “There’s this housewarming on Saturday afternoon with our new neighbors at 3 pm, but I know you usually have your pickleball practice then. Do you want to go to the party?”
You may have totally forgotten about the practice session, but that gentle reminder gives you the choice, and the partner doesn’t have to parent you by nagging or insulting you because you forgot about the practice and the party you agreed to attend the other day- or was it 2 weeks ago…?
4. Don’t Parent Your Partner
So often, the non-ADHD person picks up the slack in the relationship when something doesn’t get done. They not only carry their own load of responsibilities but also the tasks the couple agreed would be the responsibility of the neurodiverse person.
Well, somebody has to do the task, so it might as well be me, they mutter, silently seething because once again the other person didn’t follow through. So, they take over the task, which disempowers not only themselves but also the partner with ADHD. Sprinkle in some pointed nagging, and you have a recipe for problems. Parenting belittles them and results in an unequal distribution of equality in the relationship. Parenting your partner only builds resentment and frustration and increases the distance between you.
For example, “Did you forget to take out the trash again? How many times do I have to remind you?”
Listen to the tone and the words in that quotation. This is not supportive. It’s belittling, and the person with ADHD gives up because, quite frankly, why bother? The partner expects we will forget, so we may as well live up to their expectations.
Instead, first think about how you communicate with your partner about the task, build in a time buffer, and try this. “Sweetie, the trash truck comes at 7 AM, and we agreed to have the bins curbside at 6:50 AM. Are you still good with that?”
Also, together plan how you will divide tasks and make the division a collaborative effort based on strengths. For example, if planning a summer vacation feels daunting and overwhelming for 1 person to handle, break down the task into smaller chunks- where to go, when, how to get there, household arrangements, etc. and together attack each sub-task together. Other strategies: Use an old-school calendar that is visible and part of your daily life, as well as a calendar app if that works for both people. Color code it. Find ways to help each person remember what needs to get done and when.
5. Focus on Compromise, Collaboration, and Communication
Conflict happens. We have differences of opinion on where to go, how to solve a problem ( cleaning the kitchen? My way is best!), working with kids, etc. Some people like to be touched; others don’t. Some people need a totally silent environment for sleep; others love sleeping with some background noise and fresh air. Problems happen when we think our way is best and there’s no compromise.
Instead, look outward as a team to solve this problem. Remember, it’s not ADHD that’s the problem. It’s a relationship challenge, and in the best relationships, there is a practice of collaboration, compromise, and communication. Look for opportunities to practice these 3 C’s. It will do wonders for relationship growth, stability, and enhancement.
6. Be Supportive
The world is a challenging place right now. You can hear it in the newscasters’ reports on US and world events. These are trying times. So why do we make things harder than they need to be by failing to recognize the efforts of our partner? Why is giving our ADHD loved one some encouragement such a hard thing? I think we’ve been conditioned to “fix things,” and that fixing seems to include our partner. But a little praise goes a long way in making our lives and our loved ones happier. It’s a powerful investment in our relationship.
Instead of criticism, notice their efforts and praise them for it. Support and encourage them. For example, “ Honey, I really like how nice the foyer looks with the stacked mail,” if foyer management is their partner’s responsibility. Or, “Thanks for keeping the shoes in the shoe corral so I don’t trip on them at 5 AM.”
7. Capitalize on Each Other’s Strengths
We all have strengths, as I mentioned earlier in this blog. Those of us with ADHD have gobs of strengths. But so often we notice the problems in the relationship, the challenges and frustrations of the person with ADHD, and not their strengths. For example, I struggle with math and billiards, but I am a whiz kid with cooking, and I have more energy than 3 people. Math is not my forte. “See the angle?” someone will say to me when we play pool.”
I scan their face, hoping for a sign. “ Um, nope”, I swallow nervously. Instead of blaming the other person when something doesn’t get done when you both agreed to the task, gently try this: “ Hey, our car cleanup routine worked great the last two weeks, but lately it seems like it’s gone off the rails. What do you think we need to do to get it to work again?”
Instead of noting weaknesses, notice the person’s strengths, capitalize on them, and use them to support and enhance the relationship.
For example, facing a boring task? We, neurodivergent people, hate being bored. It’s suffocating. Instead, try gamifying the task. Bring joy back to the relationship and make things fun. That’s how you fell in love in the first place.
In closing, being in love and staying in love is an ongoing process. Look at these couples who have happily been together 30, 40, or 50 years. They hold hands, they recognize each other’s strengths and challenges, they compromise, and still love each other for the basic, wonderful miracles that they are. In doing so, they fall in love all over again. ADHD truly doesn’t need to hold us back or keep us from living a life filled with love, hope, and happiness. It’s a gift that brings so much good to the world, and one that you deserve!
Mary Sanford, PhD
About the Author
Mary Sanford is a progress-oriented ADHD Executive Function Coach with a wealth experience successfully working with late teens and adult clients. Her expertise and knowledge of ADHD and her excitement in helping clients improve their lives is highly rewarding to her. In her own words, Mary loves slaying the ADHD dragons of negativity and defeating behaviors that frequently torment her clients. In addition to serving as an Executive Function ADHD Coach, Mary leads ADHD and college success workshops for Hallowell Todaro. She is knowledgeable about the challenges of ADHD and neuro-diversity and uses that knowledge to capitalize on each person’s unique gifts. Clients describe her as empathetic, compassionate, enthusiastic, flexible, and resourceful.
Mary has a PhD in Adult Education from Syracuse University, an M.Ed. in Learning Disabilities with Reading Specialist certification, and a B.S.degree in Special Education both from Bloomsburg University. Before going into higher education, she taught Special Education students, grades K-12. During the pandemic she had her first textbook published, Teachers as Thinkers: Compassion and Competence in the Classroom, a book for teachers and coach-educators. When she is not working, Mary enjoys traveling, baking, writing, gardening, and hanging out with her delightful Golden Doodles Gracie and Kellen.
