It Ain't Easy...Being a Mom with ADHD!
By Catherine Mutti-Driscoll, MA, PhD, CALC
Shout out to the moms with ADHD out there! Phew. It isn’t easy. As a mom with ADHD in the trenches, I know what it is like.
Why isn't it easy, you ask? Well, thank you for that excellent question, I would love to tell you why :-)
First, moms with ADHD were so often girls with ADHD who were diagnosed late. The average age of an ADHD diagnosis for women is currently 36 (Thorpe, 2019). Because between 50 and 75% of girls are missed or misdiagnosed (Adams, 2020), it is exceedingly common for women to be diagnosed with ADHD when their children are.
By having ADHD, moms experience the telltale ADHD and executive function symptoms that show up as difficulties regulating attention, emotion, energy, and effort. Because we are women, we also experience gendered pressure/judgment about our functioning (Solden & Frank, 2019). As Solden and Frank (2019) note, “women with ADHD don’t necessarily choose to act in nontraditional ways - we simply don’t have a choice. We often can’t fit into traditional gender boxes because the tasks historically assigned to women often require substantial executive functioning skills - the very areas where women with ADHD struggle” (p. 61).
While gendered expectations of women, in general, are steep, expectations of mothers to be selfless and highly functioning are even steeper. In 2013, before I knew I had ADHD, I wrote a dissertation on this topic. These elevated expectations for women are called the “new momism” (Douglas and Michaels (2004)). This idea “...identifies the cultural beliefs that women are not “real women” if they are childless, that females are naturally the best caregivers for children, and that being a good mother requires a complete and total commitment” (Mutti-Driscoll, 2013, p. 9).
Moms with ADHD also suffer the costs of being missed for a timely diagnosis. These costs include mental health challenges, limiting self-beliefs, inadequate support over a lifetime, and frequently being misunderstood by others (Solden & Frank, 2019). On top of our own ADHD challenges and inadequate support, moms with ADHD parent complex kids; about 50% of adults with ADHD have at least one child with ADHD (Chronis-Tescano et al., 2016).
Is it any wonder that the research literature shows that moms with ADHD are struggling with parenting?! Researchers observed that mothers with ADHD showed “…less involvement with their children, less positive parenting, less consistent discipline, poorer problem-solving abilities, and less monitoring of their children's activities (Johnston et al., 2012, p.2)” Ouch. Research also suggests that parent training is less effective for mothers with ADHD than for mothers without ADHD (Chronis-Tescano et al, 2016). Double Ouch.
It sounds bleak, I know, but there are some things that can help. First, you aren’t alone! There are many of us out there and our struggles are becoming more and more recognized. If you would like to SEE and CONNECT with other ADHD moms, I am offering an online support group for moms with ADHD this month! The goal of this group will be to explore ways that mothers with ADHD can actually feel good and supported in our parenting efforts, even with our executive function challenges.
Finally, there is evidence that when moms with ADHD receive treatment for our ADHD in terms of CBT and/or medication, outcomes for ourselves and our children can improve (Chronis-Tescano et al., 2016, Hautman et al.,2018). So, if you can, get out there and put your oxygen mask on first! :-)
If you’ve made it this far and you are reading this, you are doing an awesome job! It’s been said that most of life is showing up and here you are! Way to go, ADHD Mama.
Catherine’s online ADHD support group for moms starts May 12. Use the code MOTHERSDAY and register by midnight on Sunday, May 8 to get $25-off.